How many legs would you like to have?

This morning I had a job conversation with a friend who works at VH1. Part of her responsibilities include waking up early on Monday to go to a shoot, then again on Friday to help edit the week's work. She said it sucks that she has these two early days and I agreed. Waking up is tough.

In an attempt to cheer her up, I reminded her that it could be worse. She could have no legs. Then I thought about what could be worse than having no legs and I thought up the scenario where she had 5 legs. Then I pictured both and wondered if 5 would really be worse than none.

With no legs, you're confined to a wheelchair or a rolling box. You can't skip, you can't jump, and you can't sure as shit can't do the running man. That being said, you don't have to wait in line at Great Adventure, can legally park in the primo spots and poop in the big stall without people giving you angry looks when you come out.

Having five legs makes it hard to wear jeans. Skirts and dresses? No problem. But how are you going to fit those extra three legs into your Wranglers? And think of the increase in your sneaker budget. Still, I bet your roundhouse kicks would become the stuff of legends and you'd be able to give a cheetah a run for its money in a race across the Serengeti. And, with five legs, you could probably get away with using the handicap stall, too.

So? What say you? Would you rather have no legs or five?

Daschle's Confirmation Hits a Snag

Tom Daschle, nominated to be Obama's Secretary of Health and Human Services, is still waiting to be confirmed. As this Huffington Post article points out, the delay isn't because of a just unearthed story about him having non-consensual sex with his son's best friend's father's illegal alien pet donkey. It's because they want to pore over his tax records.

But I'm not sure I believe that. I think it's because Senate Republicans have discovered his true identity and they just don't know if he has the right kind of experience to head the HHS:

wu-tang wednesday 5

	Irn Minky (Johnny Cash vs. Wu-Tang Clan)
	Found at skreemr.com

the judge wouldn't listen

Slowly, ever so slowly, he brought his hand up to her face. He'd spent hours thinking about her cheeks. Those soft, smooth, inviting cheeks. A thousand thoughts stampeded through his head but he ignored them all. He wanted to focus on the moment.

She, on the other hand, was only thinking one thing as she sat with her hands tied and legs bound to the seat: the restraining order wasn't enough.

if only the people had listened

It's a pretty surefire way to avoid house foreclosures and being overrun with credit card debt. Too bad it's a system that's incredibly difficult to follow:

ball and chain

sometimes my eyes are looking left,
sometimes they're looking right,
but even when they look ahead
they can't see through the night.

the darkness is a blinding black,
the darkness is a void,
and though i know it soon will lift
it still leaves me annoyed

i feel the walls are closing in,
i feel my feet are locked,
i can not choose which way to move
it's like all paths are blocked.

i know i've not yet reached the end,
i know i've just begun,
but it's so hard to pace myself
when i feel i should run.

Resolution Oh-Nine

Resolutions are tricky things. They sound great when midnight rolls around and your sixth Jack & Ginger is growing perilously close to the end. They get you amped. They fill your head with delusions of grandeur, with optimistic visions of the upcoming year's triumphs and conquests.

Then what happens? Well, if you're me, nothing. You write the resolutions down in your sloppy drunk handwriting, put the paper in your wallet and completely forget about it until 11 months later when you find it in time to remind yourself that you've accomplished nothing you set out to achieve.

This year will be different. This year I'm making one resolution and I'm going to make it stick. Once I succeed, I'll know there's nothing I can't do when I set my mind to it. It will be hard. I know this. But with your help and support, I truly believe I can turn this year's resolution into reality:

1. Masturbate less frequently, more furiously

Wish me luck!